I think that when creating stuff, it's like, in that moment, we are the best possible version of ourselves. the purest and the most beautiful. I think nature does that too, bringing out the best from us. and dogs. and kids. With those four things I think I was finally able to realise and articulate where I want to direct my creativity to. What I want to create images of.
Maybe it sounds stupid, but you know..I kinda was a "photographer" before I was actually a "person" (not that I'm really any of those things now) so I would say I'm still searching. Funny how when I tried to shoot pictures of pretty girls (aside from Carol, obviously) it was always a total disaster as I have all kinds of issues with broads (but I tried because that's what you do as a photographer, right?) At one moment, I thought that since I'm kinda outdoorsy I should maybe try to work with those rad athletes like skiers or climbers or whatever, but..yeah, no. I like to be outdoors to just be. No need to push it further, really. (quite the opposite actually, I think this year will be the year when I finally dive into meditation)
So I like to shoot pictures of Carol, kinda document what she (we) do. Maybe it doesn't sound like a lot and I will not go into history books as a great photographer, but heck, I'm a pasty bald redhead I honestly never thought that I would have a loving relationship with beautiful girl. (..or shoot photos that someone will want to buy) She's been drawing and painting A LOT these past couple months. And world is slowly but surely starting to notice how good and hard working she is which brings me..umm, yeah, it's a great and precious thing to witness. Someone creating stuff. Here's her website, it's worth checking out.
I also shot two new films of Carol painting.
( I mean, I know they are not really a films, but I like to call them that. And I'm having fun doing all these obnoxious comments about "us, filmmakers" and "world of cinema"..but yeah, I'm totally in love with filmmaking craft. I even sold my first couple of stock footage clips, which was kinda milestone for me and made me happy for a few moments. Oh, and my film (:) Struggle already has over 200 views. Which I know is nothing, but it's around 200 more than I expected. So..maybe there's some hope after all. We'll see.
How are you? I hope you're all well and healthy. I really do.
Ok, I got a feeling that this will be even more scattered all over the place than my usual.
What a weird last couple of months I have. ever since I stopped using those social networks (instagram/twitter) I can literally feel how my outlook on the world around me has shifted. Not really sure if for better or worse. (ok, that's a lie) (And I know it already sounds like a crazy talk) It really feels like a detoxication. Like, when you step away from some junk (alcohol, sugar, cocaine..) and push through that initial phase, you no longer crave it. And it stop making sense from the outsiders viewpoint. (ok, I have never been addicted to anything mentioned above so I'm more or less guessing) (although I'm starting to dig more into sugar and it's turning out that it's even worse than I thought)
This whole "being glued to a small televisions with internet thing-y". I don't know man, past couple years, I was a big fan of all of this sharing your story with other people and all this follow your inspiration and whatever stuff but..lately, yeah, I don't know. I feel like it's dying (for me at least). I like creating stuff and I like to share it (in a hope that I will make enough money so I can just live in the woods and don't need to talk to anyone)- don't get me wrong, but this rat-race against this massive, enormous ball of content that internet has become is..not for me at this point I guess. And it hurts to be honest, because I was all over it. all the hustle. all those Tim Ferisses and GaryVee's and youtube creators and blah blah blah. And then you find out that most of it is just..marketing. just selling shit. or it's "inspiring". Word that is thrown around so lightly these days. "bro that's lit af, you're and inspiration!" and maybe I'm a cunt but I look at it and I'm like: ..really?
Don't get me wrong, I get that we all want/need to make living and all that. And I'm a fan. Sure. I have practically no formal education so I can either struggle as an artist or maybe work at mcdonalds (..or..something else I guess, I'm a white european male after all) and I don't want to sound like a cynical looser, I just don't really.. like what I see is happening. how fast is everything happening. How much stuff everybody needs to sell and how much stuff everybody wants to buy. And you can buy robots that interacts with other people/robots on instagram on your behalf. I did not know that, I thought that people just buys fake followers so the number appears bigger, but turns out that reality of instagram is even creepier than I thought.
And than I see Carol how she's hustling on instagram to get more people to like her stuff because her parents didn't encourage her enough and suddenly someone in instagram pushes one button and she's back when she started. I'm no expert, but that to me seems like a fucking pathetic rat race. And I know these are pointless little white millennials problems, but at the same time, we're both (for lack of better words) artist, that's just our life and we're trying to figure the shit out (just like you and everyone else) and lately, I feel the craving for different kind of life. Not as.. diffused by starring at a addictive little screen, you know? Real life, in it's broadest (and kinda beautiful) sense. With all the rain and shine, with all the pain and joy. I think I kinda tend to loose sense of what's important with all this..noise around. Umm..does that makes any sense? With all that I've been learning these days, the things that I thought are important does not seems so important anymore and I would even say I feel little bit..well, not lost, but..yeah, I don't know. But maybe you feel kinda the same, which is cool. That makes at least two of us.
..I'm working on my elemental film education. Trying to watch 1-2 movies a week, that I found is a decent number- movie every night doesn't work because that you (or at least I) have too little time to really think about it and enjoy it. I finally saw Citizen Kane, what I beautiful piece of art that was. It reminded me some things in my childhood and I cried a little bit at the end. Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind-another beautiful movie. oh and Once upon a time in the west. And Blade Runner. you know, so far all the big hollywood classics, than I want to watch some spanish movies. And then work my way up to movies from my homeland. Also I've been watching some smaller (but not less powerful) films by people on youtube/vimeo. I can safely say that I'm really falling in love with moving pictures. I didn't really felt that before, as in my family photography was always more important than movies, we didn't have a videocamera or vhs player so it's not like a shot my first movie experiments when I was 4. In fact, I'm doing it right now, twenty years later. Here's a short little piece that I made and I kinda like it if I'm being totally honest. It's..confusing in a way that I quite enjoy:
Short new video I shot for Carol:
And I was rewatching those few I shot couple weeks ago and I wasn't totally ashamed, so that's a good sign I guess. Slowly learning.
So..you know, I'm creating, I'm questioning stuff, I'm doubting myself, I'm trying to learn something and all that. All confused. And I know it doesn't matter at the end and we're all going to die.
Ok, take care until then!
(..man oh man, do I wish to have a dog. Dogs are the best!)