Random ramblings III: Struggle.

Ok, I got a feeling that this will be even more scattered all over the place than my usual.

What a weird last couple of months I have. ever since I stopped using those social networks (instagram/twitter) I can literally feel how my outlook on the world around me has shifted. Not really sure if for better or worse.  (ok, that's a lie) (And I know it already sounds like a crazy talk) It really feels like a detoxication. Like, when you step away from some junk (alcohol, sugar, cocaine..) and push through that initial phase, you no longer crave it. And it stop making sense from the outsiders viewpoint. (ok, I have never been addicted to anything mentioned above so I'm more or less guessing) (although I'm starting to dig more into sugar and it's turning out that it's even worse than I thought) 

This whole "being glued to a small televisions with internet thing-y". I don't know man, past couple years, I was a big fan of all of this sharing your story with other people and all this follow your inspiration and whatever stuff but..lately, yeah, I don't know. I feel like it's dying (for me at least). I like creating stuff and I like to share it (in a hope that I will make enough money so I can just live in the woods and don't need to talk to anyone)- don't get me wrong, but this rat-race against this massive, enormous ball of content that internet has become is..not for me at this point I guess. And it hurts to be honest, because I was all over it. all the hustle. all those Tim Ferisses and GaryVee's and youtube creators and blah blah blah. And then you find out that most of it is just..marketing. just selling shit. or it's "inspiring". Word that is thrown around so lightly these days. "bro that's lit af, you're and inspiration!" and maybe I'm a cunt but I look at it and I'm like: ..really? 

Don't get me wrong, I get that we all want/need to make living and all that. And I'm a fan. Sure. I have practically no formal education so I can either struggle as an artist or maybe work at mcdonalds (..or..something else I guess, I'm a white european male after all) and I don't want to sound like a cynical looser, I just don't really.. like what I see is happening. how fast is everything happening. How much stuff everybody needs to sell and how much stuff everybody wants to buy. And you can buy robots that interacts with other people/robots on instagram on your behalf. I did not know that, I thought that people just buys fake followers so the number appears bigger, but turns out that reality of instagram is even creepier than I thought. 

And than I see Carol how she's hustling on instagram to get more people to like her stuff because her parents didn't encourage her enough and suddenly someone in instagram pushes one button and she's back when she started. I'm no expert, but that to me seems like a fucking pathetic rat race. And I know these are pointless little white millennials problems, but at the same time, we're both (for lack of better words) artist, that's just our life and we're trying to figure the shit out (just like you and everyone else) and lately, I feel the craving for different kind of life.
Not as.. diffused by starring at a addictive little screen, you know? 
Real life, in it's broadest (and kinda beautiful) sense.
With all the rain and shine, with all the pain and joy.
I think I kinda tend to loose sense of what's important with all this..noise around.
Umm..does that makes any sense?
With all that I've been learning these days, the things that I thought are important does not seems so important anymore and I would even say I feel little bit..well, not lost, but..yeah, I don't know. But maybe you feel kinda the same, which is cool. That makes at least two of us.

..I'm working on my elemental film education. Trying to watch 1-2 movies a week, that I found is a decent number- movie every night doesn't work because that you (or at least I)  have too little time to really think about it and enjoy it. I finally saw Citizen Kane, what I beautiful piece of art that was. It reminded me some things in my childhood and I cried a little bit at the end. Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind-another beautiful movie. oh and Once upon a time in the west. And Blade Runner. you know, so far all the big hollywood classics, than I want to watch some spanish movies. And then work my way up to movies from my homeland. Also I've been watching some smaller (but not less powerful) films by people on youtube/vimeo. I can safely say that I'm really falling in love with moving pictures. I didn't really felt that before, as in my family photography was always more important than movies, we didn't have a videocamera or vhs player so it's not like a shot my first movie experiments when I was 4. In fact, I'm doing it right now, twenty years later. Here's a short little piece that I made and I kinda like it if I'm being totally honest. It's..confusing in a way that I quite enjoy:

 Short new video I shot for Carol:

And I was rewatching those few I shot couple weeks ago and I wasn't totally ashamed, so that's a good sign I guess. Slowly learning.

So..you know, I'm creating, I'm questioning stuff, I'm doubting myself, I'm trying to learn something and all that. 
All confused. 
And I know it doesn't matter at the end and we're all going to die.

Ok, take care until then!


(..man oh man, do I wish to have a dog. Dogs are the best!) 

Random ramblings II: Spring & Being. Outside

Spring. Finally. 

Had our first outing couple days ago. 

Testing some new tools and making some new plans.

Over last two years, I was very lucky and managed to spend around 600 days and nights outdoors so being outdoors became such a significant part of who I am. I was always drawn to being outside, I always like to wander around and to just be. Just be. I found out that I'm not really interested in all those extreme activities you can do outside.
I like to just be. Maybe it sounds like a little, but it's enough for me.

As I'm growing older, my depression is getting a little stronger each year. I mean, it was always kinda there as back as I remember. That little dark voice, sitting on your shoulder, telling you you're not enough, telling you that you're pathetic, worthless little existence and that you should be ashamed of yourself. Every fucking day. Sometimes whispering, sometimes screaming. It's..yeah, it gets old pretty fast. 

So far I found that being creative and juts being outside works magic in that little battle of mine. 
So it's almost not like that I "like" to do what I do. I feel like I "need" to do it in order to fulfil the most basic instinct- to survive.  

Man oh man, do I sometimes wish to be wired differently. 

So finally being outside for a few days is a big deal for me. I don't want to sound like a crazy talk, but I just feel such a strong connection (love?) to this little planet of ours. To the sun. I have no idea if there's a god or anything (as none of us do) but damn, I like Nature. It feels all powerful to me. And it always gives me so much. Clarity. Hope. Inspiration. All the good stuff. 

I like to feel small. 

When I was 18, I dropped from school to became a photographer, I had all these ambitions how I'm gonna be successful and rich, how I'm going to do big things and make the world a better place. And now it's six or so years later, I'm none of those things and I'm not even sure those are still my goals (well, they aren't really). And I'm not chasing happiness either, as that's such a strange concept. I guess I need to "lower" my ambitions to just..be content. Just be. Couple years ago, I would probably think that I'm such a looser at this point. Damn, I do kinda think I'm a looser. 

But I like to be outside. I like to walk around. Next month we're planning to go for another long hike. Like 2000 kilometers long. Want to make a movie from it. I love, love arranging things in a rectangle. Also, we planned finding some available piece of land and putting some sort of non-permanent structure and to just peacefully live and create. Do things we love and care about. Just be. Oh we'll see, but winter ends for now at least. 

In case you're still here, sorry for not making much sense lately. Bare with me.

I hope you're well. 


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