Random ramblings II: Spring & Being. Outside

Spring. Finally. 

Had our first outing couple days ago. 

Testing some new tools and making some new plans.

Over last two years, I was very lucky and managed to spend around 600 days and nights outdoors so being outdoors became such a significant part of who I am. I was always drawn to being outside, I always like to wander around and to just be. Just be. I found out that I'm not really interested in all those extreme activities you can do outside.
I like to just be. Maybe it sounds like a little, but it's enough for me.

As I'm growing older, my depression is getting a little stronger each year. I mean, it was always kinda there as back as I remember. That little dark voice, sitting on your shoulder, telling you you're not enough, telling you that you're pathetic, worthless little existence and that you should be ashamed of yourself. Every fucking day. Sometimes whispering, sometimes screaming. It's..yeah, it gets old pretty fast. 

So far I found that being creative and juts being outside works magic in that little battle of mine. 
So it's almost not like that I "like" to do what I do. I feel like I "need" to do it in order to fulfil the most basic instinct- to survive.  

Man oh man, do I sometimes wish to be wired differently. 

So finally being outside for a few days is a big deal for me. I don't want to sound like a crazy talk, but I just feel such a strong connection (love?) to this little planet of ours. To the sun. I have no idea if there's a god or anything (as none of us do) but damn, I like Nature. It feels all powerful to me. And it always gives me so much. Clarity. Hope. Inspiration. All the good stuff. 

I like to feel small. 

When I was 18, I dropped from school to became a photographer, I had all these ambitions how I'm gonna be successful and rich, how I'm going to do big things and make the world a better place. And now it's six or so years later, I'm none of those things and I'm not even sure those are still my goals (well, they aren't really). And I'm not chasing happiness either, as that's such a strange concept. I guess I need to "lower" my ambitions to just..be content. Just be. Couple years ago, I would probably think that I'm such a looser at this point. Damn, I do kinda think I'm a looser. 

But I like to be outside. I like to walk around. Next month we're planning to go for another long hike. Like 2000 kilometers long. Want to make a movie from it. I love, love arranging things in a rectangle. Also, we planned finding some available piece of land and putting some sort of non-permanent structure and to just peacefully live and create. Do things we love and care about. Just be. Oh we'll see, but winter ends for now at least. 

In case you're still here, sorry for not making much sense lately. Bare with me.

I hope you're well. 


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